On Memory

I was reading this article on memory and depression and it made me take some time to think about how my memories and memory problems have impacted me.

This has taken a lot of my self esteem, as well as my confidence, and parts of who and what I was/am. I don’t remember ever having a great memory, but it was bad by the time I was in high school, and has just continued to worsen. It’s to the point I have to write things down or post them here on facebook, or constantly reiterate them verbally. It has not helped my OCD, as I start obsessing over the fact I can’t remember things, and I obsess about things that I want to remember. It has not helped my depression, as I feel less and less like a person, and less and less like a functional person. It was not helped me emotionally because of all of the above. And it has not helped me physically because I forget if I’ve done things or not, and I forget if I need to do things (showers go longer than they should at times because I forget, and I try to clean up every day with wipes but there are times where I forget if i’ve done so or not…

That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

There is good as well, but it’s hard to remember or come up with good things.


I’m not me

I hate this. I’m feeling like I’m not myself again. I don’t know if it’s because I’m eating more salt, which displaces my lithium, or if it’s my hormones as I should start my period any time, but whatever it is, I’m not me.

Looking up dysphoria I think that’s what it is. I hate this.


And, it could be hormones or bipolar (or both!!) …. I’m so tired of this, and it’s been going on for less than 24 hours this time.

The last time I remember feeling like this, at least clearly remember, I started picking fights with Johnny.

I just… I am going to repeat myself… I’m tired of this. I hate this.

I’m unstable. I hate those words. Actually, I don’t know if they are accurate after talking to one of the clinicians at my mental health place. I seem to be having a good mood night (maybe too good? not sure), but I’m also feeling down… the guess is that I am anxious.

There’s a lot going on right now, plus I’ve had a LOT of caffeine in the last 48 hours due to the migraine I had. Caffeine can cause anxiety for me on it’s own, but mix in the fact that I’m dealing with some things that cause me anxiety currently, and trying to process some things from being so sick… it makes sense that I’d be anxious.

I think if I don’t get too caught up in stuff I will go to bed early tonight. I have an hour until I feel comfortable doing that as I don’t like taking my meds way off schedule.

Anyway… Here’s a picture I took (and edited) several years ago. I feel like sharing it tonight.


Like I needed more depression triggers…

So apparently having been very ill and survived leads to both thankfulness and depression in me.

I’m SO thankful to have survived, and so thankful to be alive – DAILY. I don’t always show or express it, but I am. That said, I started getting depressed just before the anniversary of my starting to get ill last year, and while it may not have been the trigger of my depression, I’m sure it didn’t help. Just thinking about how ill I became, and the fact I very easily could have died….. the fact my body was failing me, and nearly failed me completely… that’s rough to take in and deal with. Apparently I need to get in with a therapist again (Actually I’ve known this and am trying)…. this sucks.

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month too…

(Please note, I go into statistics about mental health, which could be upsetting for some. I don’t normally do trigger/content warnings, but with talking about suicide, and doing stats about mental illness and suicide I felt it was important to give a heads up.)

I just found this out today.
It seems fitting to me that lupus and mental health would share a month, especially since they are what I selected to have represented in my Chronic Love Bracelet and they are my two biggest struggles at this point.

I am sitting here trying to decide what to write.

I think first of all… if you are struggling with your mental health, you are not alone. I’m not going to throw statistics around… I just want you to know that you aren’t alone…. there are a lot of us. I personally struggle with bipolar (type 2), anxiety related to my bipolar, and OCD.

Now I think I’ll start throwing around statistics and links.
NAMI’s page of stats.

Oh… NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

http://www.newsweek.com/nearly-1-5-americans-suffer-mental-illness-each-year-230608 have a mental illness.

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US. (Source)

Unlike diabetes or cancer there is no medical test that can provide a diagnosis of mental illness. A health care professional can do a number of things in an evaluation including a physical exam and long term monitoring to rule out any underlying medical conditions that may be causing symptoms. Once other medical conditions are ruled out, a person might be referred to a mental health professional that will use The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth addition (DSM-5), to make a diagnosis. The DSM-5, published by the American Psychiatric Association lists criteria including feelings, symptoms and behaviors over a period of time that a person must meet in order to be officially diagnosed with an illness. – See more at: https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/Living-with-a-Mental-Health-Condition/Understanding-Your-Diagnosis#sthash.1R5rXebT.dpuf (Source – with other info on the process, and on diagnosis in general)

Bipolar statistics.

At least 25 – 50% of bipolar patients attempt suicide at least once.

There is hope.

Myth: Recovery from bipolar disorder is not possible. Reality: Appropriate treatment can allow a person to have a meaningful, fulfilling life. For years, bipolar disorder was viewed as a permanent, untreatable problem. People were more likely to be locked away than given the opportunity for recovery. Significantly, today the focus is on wellness and reintegration into society. Despite having a persistent illness, a person can achieve substantial improvement in managing symptoms and lead a productive, fulfilling life.

Up to 80% of those treated for depression show an improvement in their symptoms generally within four to six weeks of beginning medication, psychotherapy, attending support groups or a combination of these treatments. (National Institute of Health, 1998)

It is possible to have romantic relationships.

I’ve been battling my mind

My mind and I have been battling lately. I’ve been on the depressed side of things, thanks to my bipolar. It has been really difficult to function lately, and I’ve been doing the bare minimum of what needs to be done because of how bad it’s been. Yesterday and today I’ve been doing better again, thankfully. I feel more like me again.

Depression and Anxiety

I was going through my feed on facebook today and came across this post about anxiety and depression. I thought it was interesting… especially when I got to some of the explanations of what depression and anxiety are…

Some of them really hit home with me.

Depression can be oversleeping, lashing out at friends for no reason and sinking into self-destruction that you’re too transparent to care about. Depression is hopelessness, guilt and restlessness.

That’s my depression. There’s a lot more to it, but that is a basic description of my depression. I may come back and edit more descriptions of depression in later…. but for now I’ll leave it with that.

Anxiety is feeling like somebody is sitting on your chest, pinning you to the ground, to the point where you’re unable to breathe.

Anxiety is feeling alone and out of place in groups of more than three people who you’re not fully familiar with. Are they judging you? Do they secretly hate you?

Anxiety is waiting for somebody to acknowledge you or invite you into the conversation before you talk, even if you’ve been there for an hour and had so many things to say, simply because you can’t bare to make the first move or put yourself out there. Don’t get me wrong, you wan’t to put yourself out there so bad… but there’s something inside of you that will physically and mentally not allow you to.

Those….. those are my anxiety. I’m not even sure what else to say about my anxiety. That last one has been me for my whole life. I’ve been called shy because of it, and I suppose that’s what it is too, because I am introverted, but honestly, I’m just anxious about making the first move.