Like I needed more depression triggers…

So apparently having been very ill and survived leads to both thankfulness and depression in me.

I’m SO thankful to have survived, and so thankful to be alive – DAILY. I don’t always show or express it, but I am. That said, I started getting depressed just before the anniversary of my starting to get ill last year, and while it may not have been the trigger of my depression, I’m sure it didn’t help. Just thinking about how ill I became, and the fact I very easily could have died….. the fact my body was failing me, and nearly failed me completely… that’s rough to take in and deal with. Apparently I need to get in with a therapist again (Actually I’ve known this and am trying)…. this sucks.

I’ve been battling my mind

My mind and I have been battling lately. I’ve been on the depressed side of things, thanks to my bipolar. It has been really difficult to function lately, and I’ve been doing the bare minimum of what needs to be done because of how bad it’s been. Yesterday and today I’ve been doing better again, thankfully. I feel more like me again.

Depression and Anxiety

I was going through my feed on facebook today and came across this post about anxiety and depression. I thought it was interesting… especially when I got to some of the explanations of what depression and anxiety are…

Some of them really hit home with me.

Depression can be oversleeping, lashing out at friends for no reason and sinking into self-destruction that you’re too transparent to care about. Depression is hopelessness, guilt and restlessness.

That’s my depression. There’s a lot more to it, but that is a basic description of my depression. I may come back and edit more descriptions of depression in later…. but for now I’ll leave it with that.

Anxiety is feeling like somebody is sitting on your chest, pinning you to the ground, to the point where you’re unable to breathe.

Anxiety is feeling alone and out of place in groups of more than three people who you’re not fully familiar with. Are they judging you? Do they secretly hate you?

Anxiety is waiting for somebody to acknowledge you or invite you into the conversation before you talk, even if you’ve been there for an hour and had so many things to say, simply because you can’t bare to make the first move or put yourself out there. Don’t get me wrong, you wan’t to put yourself out there so bad… but there’s something inside of you that will physically and mentally not allow you to.

Those….. those are my anxiety. I’m not even sure what else to say about my anxiety. That last one has been me for my whole life. I’ve been called shy because of it, and I suppose that’s what it is too, because I am introverted, but honestly, I’m just anxious about making the first move.

Me, I’m not

The title comes from one of my favorite songs…..

I find it really fitting because when my moods start swinging I do not feel like myself at all.  It feels like someone else is running the show.

I had a depression cycle start up over the weekend (at least, that’s when I’m sure it was happening, it may have started earlier than that and I don’t realize it) and it’s hitting really hard today. I’ve got the irritability and intense need to cry, as well as being ready to cry at anything. This isn’t me. This has me so frustrated. Hopefully the antidepressant increase I’ve got happening will kick in soon and I’ll start feeling better, but it could be a couple more weeks for that to happen. I see my psych tomorrow, so at least we’ll be on the same page.

I suspect my period is getting ready to show it’s face too……. that seems to always bring depression with it nowadays.

 

In the meantime – depression sucks ass and so does bipolar.