1 year.

Tomorrow is one year since I was hospitalized for colitis that we eventually learned was from C.Diff.
I’d go on methotrexate again in a heartbeat if I could, but I can’t use it again because of the damage that it and the c diff did to my kidneys. It helped so much with my autoimmune diseases even as it was doing that damage though. And the C Diff was due to the infections and antibiotics I had while on the methotrexate, because it lowered my immune system so much. I was so sick I could barely wake up. Once I was awake enough I could do things like talk on the phone, but I was having a hard time getting myself awake enough to remember my own name, let alone to talk to nurses or doctors or visitors. I struggled with that difficulty waking up for months after, though I no longer really deal with that.
My autoimmune diseases are back to where they were before the methotrexate, unfortunately.

I had a very bad day yesterday, with my autoimmune diseases. I told my family that it was one of the worst I’ve had for my joints in the last 3 or 4 months. Honestly though, it’s one of the worst I’ve had (excluding right around my surgery that I had in February) in most of a year. I’m scared that it’s going to become the norm again.

Anyway, too much musing on my autoimmune diseases.

I wanted to say how glad I am that I went to the doctor about the bowel pain I was having, and ended up in the hospital, because I’m alive.

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Like I needed more depression triggers…

So apparently having been very ill and survived leads to both thankfulness and depression in me.

I’m SO thankful to have survived, and so thankful to be alive – DAILY. I don’t always show or express it, but I am. That said, I started getting depressed just before the anniversary of my starting to get ill last year, and while it may not have been the trigger of my depression, I’m sure it didn’t help. Just thinking about how ill I became, and the fact I very easily could have died….. the fact my body was failing me, and nearly failed me completely… that’s rough to take in and deal with. Apparently I need to get in with a therapist again (Actually I’ve known this and am trying)…. this sucks.

Last summer I could have died..

I became extremely ill – my kidneys were failing, my lupus was extremely active, and I had c. diff.

Oh, and my blood levels were wonky.

I was in the hospital for 12 days, and had doctors and nurses in and out of my room at all hours. I had a couple transfusions, had multiple antibiotics (first were iv before they figured out what was wrong, then oral), and was just a mess.

I’m so thankful to be alive.

First day
First day in, no real idea what was wrong, so I was wearing a mask because we knew that my white blood count was shit.

Food one week inA week in I wasn’t allowed anything but clear liquids and jello.

Jenny one week in
One week in – completely miserable.

Jenny 11 days in
11 days in, the day before I went home. I felt even worse than I looked. (To make it even worse, it was my daughter’s 12th birthday and I didn’t get to see her other than over video chat because of how sick I was!)

Jenny transfusions
The transfusions that let me go home… also potassium. (And I had had my oral antibiotics by this time.)

Jenny pulseox friendI gained a friend somewhere the last couple days of the hospital stay. No idea when, it just appeared, and I was confused and not thinking clearly about it. I can’t remember much about parts of my stay and that’s one of them.