A lack of sex ed sure can mess with a person…

(TW rape is discussed somewhat, no details)

I was raised in a very set Christian home, with abstinence being a big part of that as I grew older.
I have a lot of reasons from my personal life to disagree with abstinence only education, and as a parent I want my kids making informed decisions.

I didn’t know that men could choose not to rape. I didn’t know that they could say “Oh, I don’t want sex” or “Oh, she doesn’t want sex so I’ll either stop, or just masturbate”…. there are other circumstances in my life that led to that way of thinking as well, but the way I was taught that sex ed was bad, etc. didn’t help at all.

I didn’t know sex was pleasurable either. When things felt good when I started venturing into foreplay and sex I was ashamed.

I didn’t know the names of body parts.

The reason I mentioned rape is that when I was 18 I ended up going to the home of a guy I had been dating, and we did some stuff, though there was no intercourse or anything of that sort.
I remember telling the friend who picked me up from his house (I couldn’t drive myself, I was too upset over everything) that he would have raped me. Now, 14 years later, and having been married, etc. I know it’s not likely [that he would have], but at the time I was convinced that we wouldn’t… no COULDN’T have stopped if things went any further, regardless of what I wanted.

Enter my now ex husband. I was coerced into sex at the end of our relationship, until I finally just said “no” and left it at that…. this was at least a few times… honestly I’d say most of our two years we were married. Part of my reason for marrying him was guilt because we’d had sex and I didn’t think I could do anything else. It’s not the only reason, but it did play a role.

I can’t remember what else I wanted to say, so I guess I’ll leave it at that.


1 year.

Tomorrow is one year since I was hospitalized for colitis that we eventually learned was from C.Diff.
I’d go on methotrexate again in a heartbeat if I could, but I can’t use it again because of the damage that it and the c diff did to my kidneys. It helped so much with my autoimmune diseases even as it was doing that damage though. And the C Diff was due to the infections and antibiotics I had while on the methotrexate, because it lowered my immune system so much. I was so sick I could barely wake up. Once I was awake enough I could do things like talk on the phone, but I was having a hard time getting myself awake enough to remember my own name, let alone to talk to nurses or doctors or visitors. I struggled with that difficulty waking up for months after, though I no longer really deal with that.
My autoimmune diseases are back to where they were before the methotrexate, unfortunately.

I had a very bad day yesterday, with my autoimmune diseases. I told my family that it was one of the worst I’ve had for my joints in the last 3 or 4 months. Honestly though, it’s one of the worst I’ve had (excluding right around my surgery that I had in February) in most of a year. I’m scared that it’s going to become the norm again.

Anyway, too much musing on my autoimmune diseases.

I wanted to say how glad I am that I went to the doctor about the bowel pain I was having, and ended up in the hospital, because I’m alive.

My photos are moving for a third time…

Please be patient as my photos may disappear.
I moved them from flickr to photobucket for personal reasons, now I’m moving them from photobucket to imgur because photobucket is an ass company that’s making ‘ransom demands’ for our photos.


Even if I had the money to pay them to use their site as a photo hosting site, I wouldn’t because 1) they are trying to charge FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS per YEAR, and 2) I don’t think they’ll be around much longer because everyone is pissed.

Edit: You know what… I’m starting a new flickr account for my blog. I like flickr, even if I do have issues with them and their owners as a whole. At least I know how it all works, and that I can do things the way I want to there.

The Princess Bride

I’m not going to go into it because there is content that wasn’t in the movie, but I want to say that William Goldman (author of The Princess Bride) is brilliant. I’m on the first chapter and all I can say is wow. It’s incredible.

I’m going to try to start posting about books I enjoy as I’m reading them, or I may post when I’m done with them.

It’s been a bit.

Today I’d like to talk about two different topics.

First off – our landlady made a comment when I paid rent last month and I was talking to her about my health. I’m trying to let it go because I’m pretty sure she meant it in a “you’re not alone” way, but my mind keeps popping up with it, so here we go.
So I was talking about my declining health and such, filling her in since we’d been talking about my lupus. We got onto the topic of my new diagnoses (this was not long after the peripheral autonomic neuropathy was diagnosed, and right after I found out the same dr had made it official that I have MCTD), and I mentioned that I had two new diagnoses. She said X (I’m not even sure I’d call X an acquaintance, but I have spoken with them) had just received 2 or 3 diagnoses herself. I’m not sure if it was a “you’re not alone” or a “Quit your bitching, this isn’t uncommon” comment. The reason it’s bothering me is that X is older, so it makes sense for them to have several diagnoses. I’m only 31, so getting two new diagnoses is a big deal.

The other topic has to do with the last therapist I tried and failed. One of the reasons we failed was that he argued with me on SIDS stuff. He didn’t know what he was talking about and he challenged me about knowledge I have. I am fine with my ideas being challenged, but when it comes to SIDS research I keep on top of it. I like to know what’s going on, whose research into the causes looks promising, where research is being done, etc. He just brushed it all aside and said he didn’t believe me (not in that way, but it is what it came down to)…. it really upsets me. Maybe I shouldn’t be spending as much time focusing on SIDS as I have in the past, but one it makes sense that I did, and two I’m not spending hours a day on it anymore, I just have it pop up in my facebook feed sometimes, I rarely go searching it out. BUT I do know the subject material and he just brushed it off. I think I’ve talked about that before, but I also think it was a facebook status, not a blog post. I don’t think I’d started this at the time.