On Memory

I was reading this article on memory and depression and it made me take some time to think about how my memories and memory problems have impacted me.

This has taken a lot of my self esteem, as well as my confidence, and parts of who and what I was/am. I don’t remember ever having a great memory, but it was bad by the time I was in high school, and has just continued to worsen. It’s to the point I have to write things down or post them here on facebook, or constantly reiterate them verbally. It has not helped my OCD, as I start obsessing over the fact I can’t remember things, and I obsess about things that I want to remember. It has not helped my depression, as I feel less and less like a person, and less and less like a functional person. It was not helped me emotionally because of all of the above. And it has not helped me physically because I forget if I’ve done things or not, and I forget if I need to do things (showers go longer than they should at times because I forget, and I try to clean up every day with wipes but there are times where I forget if i’ve done so or not…

That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

There is good as well, but it’s hard to remember or come up with good things.

There are good memories…

So the other day I mentioned some stuff about my former relationship with my now ex-husband.
Tonight we happened up on a Gallagher clip. It brought back memories of sitting on the couch with my ex, watching the dvds we had (he has?) and memories of buying the collection. My ex introduced me to Gallagher, and I enjoy watching, sometimes I’m emotional when I watch, and I don’t watch it as much as I used to – it’s a clip here and a clip there, spread out over 10 years, rather than a whole dvd at once.

Another happy memory is the Final Fantasy games. I only played FFX and the start of FFXII when I was with him, but I do still enjoy them, and play when I can. I remember when I first got FFXIII and I got melancholy over the Final Fantasy games in general. I don’t want my ex back in our lives, and neither does Johnny, but at times I almost wish I could call or email him and tell him things, like about Mischief and how he’s doing, and about video games and little things that actually meant and mean something from our time together.

A lack of sex ed sure can mess with a person…

(TW rape is discussed somewhat, no details)

I was raised in a very set Christian home, with abstinence being a big part of that as I grew older.
I have a lot of reasons from my personal life to disagree with abstinence only education, and as a parent I want my kids making informed decisions.

I didn’t know that men could choose not to rape. I didn’t know that they could say “Oh, I don’t want sex” or “Oh, she doesn’t want sex so I’ll either stop, or just masturbate”…. there are other circumstances in my life that led to that way of thinking as well, but the way I was taught that sex ed was bad, etc. didn’t help at all.

I didn’t know sex was pleasurable either. When things felt good when I started venturing into foreplay and sex I was ashamed.

I didn’t know the names of body parts.

The reason I mentioned rape is that when I was 18 I ended up going to the home of a guy I had been dating, and we did some stuff, though there was no intercourse or anything of that sort.
I remember telling the friend who picked me up from his house (I couldn’t drive myself, I was too upset over everything) that he would have raped me. Now, 14 years later, and having been married, etc. I know it’s not likely [that he would have], but at the time I was convinced that we wouldn’t… no COULDN’T have stopped if things went any further, regardless of what I wanted.

Enter my now ex husband. I was coerced into sex at the end of our relationship, until I finally just said “no” and left it at that…. this was at least a few times… honestly I’d say most of our two years we were married. Part of my reason for marrying him was guilt because we’d had sex and I didn’t think I could do anything else. It’s not the only reason, but it did play a role.

I can’t remember what else I wanted to say, so I guess I’ll leave it at that.

1 year.

Tomorrow is one year since I was hospitalized for colitis that we eventually learned was from C.Diff.
I’d go on methotrexate again in a heartbeat if I could, but I can’t use it again because of the damage that it and the c diff did to my kidneys. It helped so much with my autoimmune diseases even as it was doing that damage though. And the C Diff was due to the infections and antibiotics I had while on the methotrexate, because it lowered my immune system so much. I was so sick I could barely wake up. Once I was awake enough I could do things like talk on the phone, but I was having a hard time getting myself awake enough to remember my own name, let alone to talk to nurses or doctors or visitors. I struggled with that difficulty waking up for months after, though I no longer really deal with that.
My autoimmune diseases are back to where they were before the methotrexate, unfortunately.

I had a very bad day yesterday, with my autoimmune diseases. I told my family that it was one of the worst I’ve had for my joints in the last 3 or 4 months. Honestly though, it’s one of the worst I’ve had (excluding right around my surgery that I had in February) in most of a year. I’m scared that it’s going to become the norm again.

Anyway, too much musing on my autoimmune diseases.

I wanted to say how glad I am that I went to the doctor about the bowel pain I was having, and ended up in the hospital, because I’m alive.